Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Purse Turned Bermuda Triangle

This is embarrassing.  Honestly, I'm ashamed to even show you.  By publicizing these pictures, it just shows that my friends are right.  My purse really is a bottom-less pit.  My friends joke that my purse is the Bermuda Triangle.  Once something goes in, it's never to be seen again because it can never be found again.  All this time I've laughed and shrugged it off.  What can I say?  I like big purses!  However, after countless more than I'd like to admit incidents of not being able to find my keys, I started realizing that maybe, just m-a-y-b-e my purse was too large full.  However, the proverbial line was crossed when my wallet was stolen the other day.  Yep, it was stolen.

Yes, this one.  It's not exactly small.  Does not shop in the petite section for clothing.  Nope, this sucker is indeed a plus sized lady.

  Yep, I was standing in line getting ready to pay at Target when I went to grab my wallet.  It was gone.  I instantly felt that incredibly frantic "my-head-is-going-to-explode" or "I-can't-believe-this-is-really-happening-to-me" feeling I realized that my wallet was NOT where I last put it.  In a fit of "this-can't-be" hysteria, I started frantically pulling handfuls of stuff out of my purse in a desperate attempt to locate my wallet.  Low and behold, there it was.  Hiding (yes, hiding!) at the bottom of my purse.  My purse had stolen my wallet.  Attention Target Security: You can call off the search party.  Oh yeah, and let that poor kid with the Mohawk go.  He might look slightly suspicious (or just goofy?), but I'm pretty sure he didn't steal my wallet like I might have claimed oh. . . 2 minutes ago. The cashier looked at me like I had lost my mind.  The guy in line behind me suggested that I might not have lost my wallet if I wasn't carrying everything I owned in my purse.  The tweens in line behind him, who were in such a rush to pay for that Justin Beiber poster, just rolled their eyes and let out (loud) exasperated sighs (yes, I heard you, you little twits!). 

 So, it was high time that the purse got a good de-cluttering.  I had reached my breaking point.  Heck, I  should have surpassed breaking point months ago. . .perhaps the day that I found 2 full Capri Suns in there and had no idea that I had been toting them around? 

So, on one particularly hot July Saturday afternoon, I settled down on my living room floor and decided to give the old purse a makeover.  What I found in there would scare off any seasoned Hoarder.  Be aware, what you are about to see might cause permanent damage. 

Within my purse I found:

  • Day Planner
  • Groupon Print Out
  • Candace Bushnell Book, 4 Blondes--it's okay. . but a good read when I'm bored
  • Children's Place coupon (20% off!)
  • Library Book Reading Tracker (for Ty, not me!)
It doesn't stop there. . .not even close.

  • Coin Purse (holds my gift cards--I love gift cards!)
  • Coupon holder (holds all restaurant and retail coupons that I have.  Where are my grocery store coupons, you ask?  Oh. . .those are in an ENTIRELY different BAG!)
  • Ziploc bag full of medicines/band aids
  • Sinus Spray (currently fighting a nasty sinus infection.  Boo.)
  • Lowes Build & Grow release form (more on that coming soon!)
  • Lowes receipt (an OLD Lowes Receipt!)
Continuing. . . .

  • an EMPTY sunglasses case
  • mini video game (Tyler's)
  • bottle of clear nail polish
  • bottle of baby powder
  • two packages of gum
  • mini tape measure (how else will I measure things in the middle of the store to see if they should come home with me?  Yeah...that's how I roll!)
  • Ipod (yes, I know it's totally old school.  But it works.  And I'm cheap.)
  • purse hanger (you know, they hang your purse so nicely and daintily from the table when you go to restaurants?  Yeah, my purse has NEVER seen that hanger before.  In fact, the only reason why this hanger is still intact is because my purse has never met it before.)
  • Altoids tin (not sure if there were any in it)
  • mini Purell
  • package of Wisp teeth brushing thingies
  • empty container of eyeglass cleaner (my little puddin' wears glasses)
  • two mini Snickers bars--mishapen.  sad.  they might still be yummy, though.  hmm. . . .
Don't give up on me yet. . .it keeps going. . .

  • two pairs of sunglasses
  • five tubes of hand lotion
  • two tubes Chapstick
  • seven tubes lipgloss (no, that wasn't a typo.  Count them in the picture.  I know it's sad.)
  • bottle of hand sanitizer
  • nasal decongestant inhaler (yep, I already told you I have a sinus infection)

  • three checkbooks (I don't even have three checking accounts so I have no idea what accounts these are all to!)
  • two lint rollers
  • rogue tampon
  • six packages of tissues (Hello! I have a 5 year old.  And a sinus infection.)
  • random assortment of receips/ticket stubs/notes/crumpled coupons
And that's just what I managed to get pictures of.  There was more.  Lots more.  Also found in my purse was:

  • another coin purse--this one actually keeps my coins
  • a list of clothes that Tyler needed for the summer
  • package of gum
  • tickets to an Ice Skating Rink (I got them in September.  They expired in June.  Sad.)
  • a coupon for ice cream
  • $10/$40 coupon for Bath & Body Works (I love.)
  • a partial package of Airheads
  • two pens
  • Starbucks gift card (no clue if there's anything on it)
  • four house keys which don't work on the door knob that I currently have (these keys are OLD!)
  • three hair clips
  • two hair ties
  • bobby pins (an entire package!)
  • expired Old Navy coupon
  • four more packages of gum
  • mini pair of scissors
  • expired restaurant coupons
  • Purell Hand wipes
  • three Advil Cold & Sinus tablets (where were those when I started suffering from this sinus infection?)
  • pink highlighter
  • a blister stick (I'm a trainer. . .I wear high heels. . .my shoes hurt my feet alot. . .blisters happen)
  • 21 Pepto Bismol tablets (again, not a typo)
  • a badge holder for my work badge
  • 10 nasty pieces of Trident gum
  • two mis-shapen Snickers bars
  • two mis-shapen Butterfinger bars
  • safety pin
  • three business cards
  • ANOTHER pack of gum
  • pair of earrings
  • another rogue tampon
  • paint swatch from my office
  • matchbook
  • sewing kit
  • two postage stamps (yay!)
  • FAKE Pandora charm (got screwed over on Ebay. . .sellers of fake stuff should ROT!)
  • my work badge
  • lapel pin for work
  • four heel/foot cushions (blisters.  these things sometimes help.)

OMG. . .Who in the world can carry around that much crap?  Here's a picture of all of the junk in a pile before I got to work sifting, sorting, and tossing. 

Holy smokes!  That's alot of stuff right there.  So, after about an hour of looking at everything and agonizing over whether I really needed it in my purse, my purse now looks like this:

I know it doesn't look that different but it feels like 82lbs have been cleaned out of my monstrocity of a shoulder bag! 
So what did I find out about myself during this whole ordeal?  That I like lip gloss.  And tissues.  And gum.  And house keys that no longer unlock my front door. 

What about you?  What do you keep in your purse?  Anything that is so beyond ridiculous that you are afraid to admit it?  Don't be shy. . .I won't tell anyone! 


  1. I knew this day would come. LOL

  2. Ok, I'm blog stalking, but this cracked me up! My sister played a game at my bridal shower where she passed out a sheet that had a bunch of random items on them. You got a point for every one you had in your purse at the time. I think you would have won!

  3. Please, stalk away! I can't even begin to tell you the menagerie of things that I have found in that purse. When I was attending a party in my father's honor (who is a military officer)for a rank promotion, they were in need of a bottle opener for some German beer that they were serving. Guess who had it? Yep, in my purse. I was 19. Dear old Dad was proud, I'm sure. I've found some downright ridiculous stuff in that purse. Ri-donk-u-lous!


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